The all consuming paralysis of Grief.

Four weeks ago, the woman I know as my Mum in all but name, took her last breath while holding my hand. I was lucky enough to have a Mom and Dad in my Grandparents. So much so, they didn’t get rid of me until I became a Mom myself at age 28! Nan was the strongest woman I have ever known. She slipped away at 12.24 on Saturday the 28th of September 2019, my GrandDAD passed away on the 19th of September 2018! My 2 parental figures gone, in just over 1 year!

This post isn’t about them, I’m nowhere near able to write about them yet.

This is being written while I’m lying on my sofa, unshowered for 2 days- barely able to stay awake. My boys are gone to their Dad for the weekend so I have no reason to get up or move. Grief is a series of contradictions, it has no pattern to it and it’s unavoidable when we lose those closest to us. It’s healthy (so they say)! There are moments when I think ‘yeah, I’m doing pretty good right now’ and then there are these moments,

when doing more than exist seems like a mammoth task, I have to wonder if there is a magic formula or system out there, to make it easier to get up and get going! Laundry that needs to be done, bedrooms that need to be cleaned and tidied, Uni assignments mounting up day by day. As the ‘to do’ pile increases, anxiety continuously builds to where I just can’t move. The days when nothing or nobody can bring you joy but you know that it will come, it’s just a waiting game. Until then I’ll curl up with a blanket and wait for this day to be over.

The light at the end is that tomorrow is a new day which brings new opportunities and a chance to start again. But right now, I’ll have a cup of tea.

#grief #depression #sadness #workingthroughgrief #getthroughit #functioningthroughgrief