Evening ramblings....

I’m at the stage of my life where most of my friends have babies, some have more than one and others have almost fully grown ’kids’. My lifetime friends or ‘homies’ are pretty much set up now, husbands, fiancés, kids, homeowners, great careers etc. this ‘adult’ aspect of life, I feel I am seriously lagging. Although I am fortunate to be a Mum. I see at my kids as half reared now, they’re only 5 and very nearly 9! But still, I can no longer cradle them in my arms and smell that beautiful baby smell. It’s addictive! (well, not addictive enough to have more babies). My Nan would have said ’Leah, you’re never bloody satisfied’ which is probably true, but I think that constant curiosity gives me a drive. When I was up to my neck in nappies and boggle eyed from sleepless nights, I envied those who had the freedom to do whatever they liked. I’m on the fence now, not with babies but with kids, who sleep properly, who make me laugh and interact with me with their beautifully unique personalities that shine through. I never in my life imagined I’d become so knowledgable about football (not the offside rule, but I hold out hope for that), Pokémon and the little known thing called ‘Fortnite’.

I was a girlie girl as a kid, barbies, dolls and an imaginary friend (as an only child in 80’s Dublin required real imagination), I was treated like a princess (albeit spoilt little bitch at times) by my grandparents! I had most of the materialistic things I could have ever wanted as a child, as a kind of consolation to having been abandoned by my parents, incidentally I learned the value of parental love and time when I became a financially poor single parent and had nothing more than time and love to offer my boys, the two things that children thrive on. Thankfully they’ll never know the feeling of abandonment. Now there are a few things that I value aside from my children, happiness- not happy from materialistic things or because of any other human on the planet- but that feeling of happiness that is deep within and being true to myself, who knew self-actualisation is a real thing! surrounding myself with people who are good for my soul- I don’t mean those who blow smoke up my arse, but the ones who love me despite my flaws and quirks and who encourage me to go as far as I can and still call me out on my shit, achieving my goals and pushing myself out of my comfort zone. I’ve learned that nothing comes easy, you have to work for absolutely everything. These have been the immeasurable lessons in my life and ones that I hold as values.

Some people have judged me over the years, it may have been the unease I had in my own skin that people could read, or others who never really tried to get to know me or the ones who thought they had me figured out but were way off the mark or in fact I was too shy to let them fully in or strong enough to fight my corner, or I wasn‘t bothered to try cause their opinions of me never mattered. It’s easier for me to write than to speak, so this blog will either bore you to tears, or maybe you’ll feel like someone else feels like you do. Sometimes it’s just nice to relate to another, makes some of life’s unpleasant experiences feel less isolating!

Anyway, summer of 2018- Was without a doubt the happiest summer of my life. Literally everything in my life seemed to be aligned and I felt full and content. I had never before felt like this, I remember thinking that there was no way such happiness could last. I fully accept the way life goes, peaks and valleys, but nothing could have prepared me for what September 19th hit us with. The day I got the call that granddad was extremely unwell, and the ambulance was called. When I saw the emergency services outside the house, the panic that ensued for the next couple of hours, right up until the doctor said there was not much else they could do. Since that phone call on that evening during that September, my life has never been the same. Grief is all consuming, grief takes you to depths that you didn’t even know existed. Grief is a homage to those who we love and have lost. That is the only thing that makes grief bearable. The feeling of gratitude for having had such people in our lives, the memories of the great and the mundane become the most precious keepsakes in your mind. To now lose Nan, a year later and very soon, the family home, I‘m faced with a sense of loneliness like never before.

Holding a hand through a last breath, a stroke of a pen to mark a death, a sign that says, ‘sale agreed’, my entire past reduced to a mere memory in what feels like a blink of an eye. I know I’ll never be the same again, I don’t want to be, how could anyone be? The complete unconventional that is me will continue a different path now. A path with no map- I think I’ll call it an unconventional adventure! (and ill start with a cup of tea)

#life #learning #parenting #parentingchallenges #grief #ramblings